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Published August 20, 2008
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FAMILY FOCUS-Couples Time
By Margie Ryerson, MFT
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| By Andrea A. Firth |
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The most difficult phone calls I receive are from couples who are divorcing and want help with co-parenting issues. They are in pain, their children are in pain, and, to use a trite expression in a genuine way, I feel their pain. The divorce rate has declined slightly since 2000, but still over fifty percent of couples do not make it to their twenty-fifth anniversary. The highest incidence of divorce is in the seventh to tenth years of marriage. Usually by this time, children are also involved.
Think of your friendships over time and how some of them fade away from lack of contact or pure inertia. You may still like your friend, but you drift apart because neither of you invested enough time or energy into making the relationship work. Marriages often dissolve for the same reasons.
I have worked with a number of couples who have never hired a babysitter. Either they are home with their children or else they always include their children in their social life outside the home. This is not only unhealthy for the couple, but it can lead to feelings of entitlement and exaggerated self-importance in the children.
Being exceptionally family-oriented is wonderful. But the most important relationship to preserve, for the sake of the family, is the spousal relationship. It is essential to make time to have fun together as a couple and to take frequent breaks from the business of raising children and running a home.
I suggest to couples that they schedule a regular weekly time to go out alone together and either line up a regular sitter or trade childcare with friends. The activity is not the important thing; an afternoon walk can be as restorative as an evening of entertainment. What is important is carving out a regular time to spend together as a couple, without the distractions of chores, children, or other people. One couple decided that they could talk about their children for only the first ten minutes of their time alone; after that, discussion of children, and even pets, was off-limits.
Just as accountants prefer to work with new clients before there is an IRS audit and dentists prefer to see patients before they need complete tooth extractions, marital therapists prefer to work with couples before they head for court with their attorneys. Many couples hope their problems will just go away and not resurface, so they defer dealing with them.
Interestingly, younger couples are far more likely to seek help, even before marriage, since they were raised during the era of Dr. Phil and Oprah, in which asking for help doesn’t carry a stigma. Some have seen their parents’ relationship struggles and hope to avoid repeating the same problems.
Every marriage has its ups and downs, of course. But if you find that you or your partner keep returning to the same disagreements, with accompanying resentments, early intervention can help your relationship get back on track. |
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| Margie Ryerson, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist in Orinda and Walnut Creek. Contact her at 925-376-9323 or www.margieryerson.com |
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| Reach Margie at: info@lamorindaweekly.com |
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Lamorinda Weekly, Moraga CA