| | Published April 1st, 2009
| The Best Foods to Eat
| | By Dr. Theresa Tsingis, D.C., M.S. |  | | Dr. Theresa Tsingis, D.C., M.S. has a private nutrition practice at 89 Davis Rd., #180,Orinda.
Tel. (925)254-1080, Email: drtsingis@comcast.net
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The food advertising industry has secrets that have been well kept from the public, and we thought it was time for revelations. Unhealth advocates have crusaded fanatically to unearth some of the richest, most sublime foods to indulge in while enjoying the fact that they are helping certain sectors of the economy - and your mortality. With shows like the Food Network's "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, how can one resist the dishes like those described below?
Best Burgers Category:
The Luther Burger - Named after beloved vocalist Luther Vandross, he loved this concoction to death - a bacon cheeseburger served on, instead of a bun - a Krispy Kreme donut. This is a wonderful way to have dessert served with your entrÇe. The timing is opportune also, as it may be "the last supper".
"El Diablo" Burger - Named in honor of Lucifer himself by religious Venezuelan food cart merchants, this multi-layered burger creation consists of, get ready - onions, cabbage, fried potatoes, avocado, tomato, meat patty, sausage, chicken, eggs, bacon, & Roquefort cheese. No pandering here to capitalist regimes' health dictates! (Also no worries about which came first - the chicken or the egg!) The bright side is - perhaps Chavez will be overtaken by one of these someday. (That's what my Venezuelan relatives probably hope - although this is unconfirmed, since for their safety we are not allowed to discuss politics openly.)
Best Healthy
Supermarket Foods Category:
Pepperidge Farm Roasted Chicken Pot Pie - Labeled as if for two people but sized for one, this creamy flaky comfort food is primarily a comfort to the weight loss and fitness industry, since its consumption (1,020 calories, 64 gms of fat, and 86 gms of carbs), ensures the survival of those businesses.
Quaker 100% Natural Granola, Oats, Honey & Raisins - Also known as "Quaker 100% bull----", it is vital to appreciate that well educated food psychologists spent money obtaining degrees in wording this very product. "Naturally," granola conjures up images of free spirits in flowery clothing worshipping the earth. Strangely enough, pantry moths, which lay eggs only in nutritious foods, avoid even the box this product is packaged in, and instead go for whole oat berries and raisins . . .
Pop Tarts Whole Grain Brown Sugar & Cinnamon - We lost count after the first 25 "natural ingredients," and marvel at how "wholly" full of energy-packed sugars and trans fats there are to enjoy here. After your child consumes these, turn on your computer, sit them at the Pop Tarts kid-friendly website for games, and then watch your energetic children crash your computer.
Best Baked Foods Category:
Donuts - Yet another lethal hazard of police work, donuts are loaded with about 1/4 cup of some amazing stuff, much more powerful than a tazer or semiautomatic. To dispense with the hassle of eating the fluffy outer parts, simply spoon 1/4 cup of lard into your mouth, savor it slowly while it melts and coats your teeth, click your heels together and repeat the words, "There's no place like (the funeral) home, there's no place like (the funeral) home..."
Best Beverages Category:
Red Bull - Ole!! This should be the mandatory refreshment for all airline pilots. If Captain Sully had imbibed this heavenly beverage before takeoff, he may have been able to suspend his plane above the Hudson River, not land in it. Coincidentally, the investigation of the Miracle on the Hudson revealed the geese that became part of the plane's engine had been sighted before the flight, running around in landfill, licking Red Bull cans. Thinking they were flying to Nirvana, the feathered friends took a wrong turn. Banned in France, perhaps even shunned in Spain, Red Bull has helped a few individuals meet their maker sooner than expected. Happy Flying! Make your (last) day a Red Bull day.
Jamba Juice Chocolate Moo'd Power Smoothie - These folks would like to apologize for the typo- which occurred when naming their firm - it was originally slated to be "Mamba Juice." An entry-level public relations employee partook of this particular smoothie, with its 30 oz of African cobra-like velvety smoothness, and was seduced by the extremely toxic venom aimed at his head. When his faux pas (and body) was discovered, the marketers went forward with the naturalistic, health food-ish tropical theme, hoping it would go unnoticed by John Q. Public.
Starbucks Java Chip Frappuccino - Where would a critique of beverage suppliers be without a review of a coffee that allows one to drink the equivalent of a cheeseburger? 650 luscious calories, and all sucked down in a few minutes. Extra whip, pleez!
Best Fast Foods Category:
McD's Chicken Select Premium Breast Strips - These are the most elite and expensive MacDonald's dollars one could spend. Pair them with the next item and you have a well-rounded 1,710 calories. Note - as a bonus, the well-rounded derriere shows up soon thereafter.
French (or Freedom) Fries - These crisp, salty treats are digested and then become an exciting new plastic product called acrylamide, which then turns into ammonia and carbon monoxide when broken down in the stomach. It's downright inspiring to know the uses for acrylamide - in waste water treatment plants, and permanent press fabrics. Thus, fries can be hailed as the "new generation of preservative." Had the Pharoahs only known about these gems, they could have ordered a "supersized meal to go".
Best Carnival Foods:
Snow Cone - There's nothing like a carnival to bring out the best in culinary delights. Like many a parent forced to choose which decadent snack to allow my offspring to eat, I've opted in the past for this ubiquitous, rainbow-colored chunk of ice. Infused into said ice are 100 calories of sugar syrup per ounce. Each snow cone is 12 ounces - uh - 1,200 calories of sugar.
Funnel Cake - As Marie Antoinette proclaimed before she lost her head - "Let them eat f. cake!"
Deep Fried Snickers Bar - Forget the deep fried Twinkie, this is the ultimate! Since carnivals happen only a few times yearly, go for the king size. At 700 calories and 44 grams of fat, it will then take a 35 year old woman 1 1/2 hours to jog it off, or 3 1/2 hours to walk it off - her choice.
There you have it - a veritable April Fool's feast. Hopefully, as The Who once sang, "We Don't Get Fooled Again!"
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Lamorinda Weekly, Moraga CA