www.drharoldhoyle.com Harold can be contacted by phone or email: 510-219-8660 hjhoyle@mac.com Harold is licensed clinical psychologist and a lecturer and in the School of Counseling Psychology, Education, and Pastoral Ministries Santa Clara University. With his wife and two children he is a 14 year long resident of the Lamorinda area. He is a sought after speaker in the areas of parenting, education, behavior with adolescents and children. He has a local small private practice.

Dear Dr. Harold,

I was recently at an event for a local company called Green Buddha and most of the parents had children who were making a transition. Many of the kids were going to middle school for the first time, but others were entering high school or kindergarten. So, what are some tips that can help our kids during transitions?

Know the factors involved in the transition

For humans of any age, transitions are difficult. I seem to have trouble figuring out why I got up and went into the kitchen. Transitions are when we can get off track most easily. For children, this can be true during class when the teacher switches from one activity to another. Larger transitions like changing grades or school can be the most difficult. Most transitions for changing schools have three main factors to consider; social, academic, and developmental.

Social

Do not plan too many activities during their first year at a new school. Back off on a sport or two. Provide sometime for your child to interact with kids in a more natural way. Hanging out for 10 minutes on the playground can be an eternity of friend time for a little one. Having the opportunity to play in a pick up game afterschool in middle school can help build social skills that many kids do not develop due to many sports being organized by parents. Provide a social environment for your child. Have kids over to your house or provide supervision at the park. For high school kids, have good food and drinks and the kids will hang out at your place more. An important factor in pro-social behavior in kids is when your child's friends know who you are.

Academic

Take some time and look at the state standards over the summer: http://www.cde.ca.gov/be/st/ss/.

The standards allow you to go to the grade level of your child and get a sense of the level of skills and the main objectives that the teachers are working towards. You could even print them out and have them to refer to during questions about homework. If you know what skills your child is trying to build you are less likely to give too much help. It is much better to support your child moving toward the standards that e-mailing the teacher about what a homework assignment means.

Developmental

Be age appropriate. It will be tough for your child to be independent if they are still listening to you about what foods they like to eat in middle school. Pick a new bedtime/curfew that is appropriate for their age. Tie a responsibility to their new freedom as all freedom comes with responsibility. It doesn't matter so much what that action is only that they learn that the two go together. If it seems to be too much, then talk about it and teach your child to have decent negotiating skills. And for you parents of adolescents, who have seen their cute little children turn into amazing litigators, this is your chance to teach your children that negotiation does not mean they get out of doing the activity - it can change, but the responsibility never goes away.

By the way, when you find yourself in my situation, grab a glass of water before you return to the family room; they will never know you didn't know why you were in the kitchen.