 | | | Margie Ryerson, MFT,
is a marriage and family therapist in Orinda and Walnut Creek. Contact her at 925-376-9323 or margierye@yahoo.com.
She is also available for parenting consultation.
| | | | | | Now that we're approaching the holiday season, there will be more opportunities to teach your child appreciation and respect for others. There will be gifts, gatherings with relatives and friends, more time together as a family, and opportunities to perform charitable deeds.
No one sets out to raise a disrespectful child. But if you're not vigilant and highly determined, you may contribute to your child's poor attitude and behavior. Here's how a disrespectful child is produced and reinforced:
? Always allow your child to interrupt your conversation with others. Immediately give him your attention, even if it's to scold him about interrupting you. This will help him feel he has the ability to get your attention, either positively or negatively, whenever he wants.
? When your child whines, shouts, or pouts, be sure to pay a lot of attention to him. This will help reinforce these behaviors so he will continue doing them.
? Allow your child to correct or contradict you as much as possible. If the details are truly insignificant and if he does this in front of others, he will definitely be on the path to becoming a disrespectful child.
? Tolerate your child's mistreatment of his siblings. If he is younger, be sure to always assign blame to his older brother because, after all, "your older child should know better." Find ways to excuse your child's misbehavior with his siblings and friends.
? If your child comes home from school complaining about his teacher, be sure to automatically agree with him, and then call or email the teacher to rebuke her. Let him see how easily he can undermine his teacher's authority and at the same time avoid responsibility for his own behavior. Better yet, don't check out the situation with his teacher at all. Go straight to the principal to complain.
? If you hear from the school that your child is bullying others, don't believe it. Your child would never act in this way. It must be the other children who are trying to get him in trouble. As a matter of fact, your child is probably the one being picked on. Give your child a lot of reassurance and support.
? Let your child hear you criticize his teacher, the school district, other parents, and those in authority. He will learn that it is okay to disrespect adults and institutions.
? Allow your child to say mean things to you, and even curse you out, without responding. You may think ignoring this behavior is best, but he is actually succeeding in disrespecting you.
? Let your child hear you make fun of others behind their backs. Ridicule their behavior, appearance, and lifestyle choices. If he joins in with you so that you laugh together, he will learn to become even more disrespectful of others.
? Find fault with your child easily and nag him often. Make him work hard for a compliment from you. Be sure to label him in negative ways, such as telling him he's lazy or selfish or ignorant. This way, he will develop low self-esteem and will tend to not care how he behaves. He will also be likely to have resentment toward authority.
? Do nice things for your child -- buy him something special, throw him a great birthday party, take him to a special event - and don't insist upon receiving a "thank you." After all, you enjoy giving to him, and seeing him happy is your reward. He will then expect you to cater to him without any responsibility or reciprocity on his part.
As parents, you want to give your child everything he needs to become a successful, fulfilled person. This season give him the gift of ensuring he respects others so that he will be better able to respect himself.
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Lamorinda Weekly, Moraga CA